"Entertaining fun for the whole family!" --Kitchener-Waterloo Record
"Entertaining fun for the whole family!" --Kitchener-Waterloo Record
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| Avery Saltzman, John Dolan and Siobhan O'Brien in Theatre Orangeville's production of Dear Santa. 2002 |
| Santa Claus and his helpers--including his Chief Of Staff, Algernon Gladstone, his foreman, Bozidar, his housekeeper, Octavia, and his elves--are preparing for another Christmas when a rebellious young girl shows up at the North Pole with a special Christmas wish. In this scene, Santa receives a visit from a sleigh salesman. | |
| Santa: | Come in. |
| (Lou Flapdoodle enters.) | |
| Lou: |
Santa Claus? |
| Santa: | Yes? |
| Lou: | Well, of course you’re Santa Claus. You’re sitting there, you’ve got the beard, the belly. Who you gonna be? Pippi Longstockings? Come on. Santa, nice to meet you. The name is Louis Flapdoodle. I’m from the National Sleigh Company. (He moves to Santa and shakes his hand.) Your buddy, Al, said I should be here at nine-thirty sharp. I’m not late am I? Because my watch says nine-thirty on the nose. Look at that. (He shows Santa his watch.) It’s a Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer watch. So when I say it’s nine-thirty on the nose, I mean it! Anyway, thank you for seeing me this morning Santa. Can I call you Santa? What do you like? Santa, Kris, Nick, Per Noel? Last guy I knew who used that many names was on the run from John Law, but that’s another story. So, what’ll it be? Santa? |
| Santa: | Santa will do just fine. |
| Lou: | Santa it is then. And you can call me Lou. Most folks call me Lucky Lou because I’ve had an uncommon run of good fortune where sleigh sales are concerned. I don’t know what it is, but I always manage to close the deal. And they’re honest deals too, Santa. Yes sir. I’m not a swindler. I’m not a charlatan. I’m not a fraud. Well, you know that. You’re the guy who knows if we’ve been naughty or nice, right? You’ve seen my work. Besides, do you think I’m going to try and cheat Santa Claus? Not on your life. Mama Flapdoodle didn’t raise no fool. I mean trying to pull the wool over your eyes would be like trying to sneak a butterball turkey past you. It ain’t gonna happen, Babe! Do you mind if I take my coat off Santa, because I work better when I’m unrestricted. Would that be copasetic? |
| Santa: | Of course. |
| Lou: | Thank you. Thank you very much. (He takes his coat off.) There we go. That’s better. Cold up here. Well, it’s the North Pole. What’s it gonna be? Beach weather? Of course not. You know what it’s gonna be? It’s gonna be sleigh weather. That’s what it’s gonna be. And that’s why I’m here, Santa. That, my friend, is why I’m here. Now, I understand from Al that your present sleigh has seen better days, is that right? |
| Santa: | Well, actually I think it’s holding up rather well. |
| Lou: | Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And is that good enough for you, Santa? Is a sleigh that’s merely ‘holding up rather well’, good enough for Father Christmas? I don’t think so. No, I think you deserve better than that. I mean, my grandmother is holding up rather well but I’m not about to load her up with toys and drive her around the world. Do you understand what I’m saying, Santa? We cannot have Kris Kringle riding around in a jalopy. I mean, what is this, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Come on. How’s that gonna look? People hear something rattling overhead, they look up, they see your rusted out old sleigh bumping along, backfiring, paint chipping off. I tell you, that’s not my Santa Claus. No sir. (He takes a brochure.) My Santa Claus rides in a brand new, shiny, fully loaded, Rocket Sleigh. (He lays the brochure on the desk.) |
| Santa: | Rocket sleigh? |
| Lou: | It’s the top of the line, Santa. It’s the Cadillac of sleighs. And you deserve nothing but the best. You see what it’s got here? Look. It’s got disc brakes, power steering, a sound system like you wouldn’t believe, air conditioning--All right, you won’t need that. We’ll take that out—it’s got a wide base so you won’t tip over when you land on those slanted roofs. And it’s got a keyless entry system. |
| Santa: | Keyless entry system? |
| Lou: | That's right. |
| Santa: | But, it doesn't have any doors. |
| Lou: | Exactly. |
| Santa: | Well, it looks very nice, but.. |
| Lou: | And you know what, Santa? I haven’t even mentioned the most impressive feature of this sleigh. |
| Santa: | What's that? |
| Lou: | You don't need the reindeer. |
| Santa: | What?! |
| Lou: | Not so much as an antler! This baby is self-powered. It’ll go from zero to mach three in twenty seconds. I mean, you hitch the reindeer to the front of this machine, they’ll be getting a sleigh wedgie! |
| Santa: | Well, Mr. Flapdoodle… |
| Lou: | Lou. Call me Lou. |
| Santa: | Well, Lou, I can’t have a sleigh with no reindeer. My reindeer wait all year for this trip. The boys and girls love the reindeer. Why, they leave carrots for them every Christmas Eve. |
| Lou: | So, now they can leave a can of transmission fluid. What’s the difference? |
| Santa: | No, I’m sorry, but if the reindeer can’t be involved, then I’m afraid I have no use for it. |
| Lou: | Well, now hold on a second. Hold on. Let’s not do something we’re both going to regret here, Santa. I mean if that’s going to be a deal breaker then we can work around it. I mean, who says you have to engage the engine? You don’t want to use it, don’t use it. Let the reindeer pull the sleigh if that’s what you want. You’re still going to get a smoother ride, softer landings, and a roomy interior. And hey, unless I miss my guess, a gentleman of your dimensions is going to need plenty of room. You know what I’m sayin’? |
| Santa: | Well, thanks for pointing that out, Lou, but I think I’ll just stick with my old sleigh. |
| Lou: | All right, Santa, listen. Do me a favour. Do me a favour. At least take a test drive. Will you do that for me? |
| Santa: | No, I’m afraid I don’t have time. |
| Lou: | It’s parked right outside. The engine’s running. Do you hear it? |
| Santa: | No, I don't. |
| Lou: | Of course you don’t! That’s how quiet it is! |
| Santa: | Well, I’m sorry but I have to drop in on choir practice right now. |
| Lou: | No problem. I can wait. I’ll be right here when you get back. |
| Santa: | Well, I don’t know how long I’ll be gone. |
| Lou: | That’s all right. I’ve got no place to be. |
| Santa: | Well, the choir practice could take a while. |
| Lou: | Take all the time you need. I’ll just read a periodical. (He picks up a magazine and sits.) |
| Santa: | Lou, can’t you tell that I’m trying to get rid of you? |
| Lou: | I sure can. I hear that every day. |
| Santa: | And yet you insist on staying. |
| Lou: | Unbelievable, isn’t it? |
| Copyright 2002 Norm Foster |
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