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| Melodee Findlay and Mary Long in the Victoria Playhouse production of Looking. 2005 |
| Looking is the story of four middle-aged singles who are seeking relationships. They meet on a blind date and the play follows their progress through the following weeks. |
| In the play's first scene, Andy and Matt discuss their viewpoints on relationships. | |
| Andy: | I'm running out of ideas, Matt. I mean, if you go to a bar to look for women, then everybody there knows you're looking. You feel conspicuous. |
| Matt: | So, you want to find a place where nobody expects you to be looking for women. |
| Andy: | Right. |
| Matt: | Funeral home. |
| Andy: | What? |
| Matt: | A funeral home. Crash a funeral and then tag along for the wake. |
| Andy: | Are you out of your mind? |
| Matt: | No, I'm serious. There's always women around because they want to comfort the bereaved. They're dressed in black which is a slimming tone. And there's food. |
| Andy: | I'm not crashing a stranger's funeral. How insensitive do you think I am? I mean, if somebody dies that I know then great, I'm there. (He stretches some more and sings the first line of Your Song by Elton John.) 'It's a little bit funny, dada-dada-dee-dee'. |
| Matt: | How about a cruise? |
| Andy: | You mean on a ship? |
| Matt: | No, in a Volkswagen. Yes, on a ship. They have cruises for singles. And I hear they're just like these huge floating orgies. People are falling overboard having sex. |
| Andy: | Is that all you think I want? Sex? |
| Matt: | You mean it's not? |
| Andy: | I want a relationship with a woman. I want something with a solid foundation. I'm not just looking for sex. I can get sex anytime I want it. |
| Matt: | Really? |
| Andy: | No. God, at my age, are you kidding? It's a young man's world out there, Matt. I feel like it's passing me by. I mean, I look in the mirror these days and I see my father. It's frightening. |
| Matt: | Why? Was he an ugly man? |
| Andy: | No, he was quite handsome in fact. That's not the point. The point is, I'm aging and I don't like it. Aren't you going to warm up? |
| Matt: | No, I might pull something. You know, Andy, some of these cruises stop at topless beaches. |
| Andy: | Would you forget the cruises? I'm not going on a cruise. Besides, they cost too much. |
| Matt: | Yeah, but they're all-inclusive. |
| Andy: | All-inclusive. There's the biggest rip-off since earth shoes. I couldn't drink enough liquor in a month to justify a week of all-inclusive. |
| Matt: | They have food too. |
| Andy: | It still costs too much. |
| Matt: | My God, you're cheap. |
| Andy: | I'm careful with my money. Careful. There's a big difference. Topless beaches. Why would you want to go to a topless beach? |
| Matt: | Why? Why do you think? |
| Andy: | To see topless women? No, a man should have to work to see a woman's breasts. It should be a reward. They shouldn't just be thrust out there indiscriminately. You shouldn't be able to view them like you were strolling through a cabbage patch. (He sings the first line of 'Last train To Clarksville' by the Monkees.) 'Take the last train to Clarksville, da da da da da da dee dee'. Maybe I should put an ad in the personals. |
| Matt: | What? |
| Andy: | The personals. The newspaper. |
| Matt: | Andy, you're not serious. |
| Andy: | What's wrong with that? |
| Matt: | The personal ads? |
| Andy: | Why not? |
| Matt: | I thought you said you didn't want people to know you're looking. |
| Andy: | This is different. It's anonymous. There's no name attached. You put the ad in, sign your initials and the woman calls you. |
| Matt: | And what would you say in this ad? |
| Andy: | Uh, well, single white male, late forties.. |
| Matt: | Early fifties. |
| Andy: | Successful businessman. |
| Matt: | Struggling financially. |
| Andy: | Plays tennis. |
| Matt: | Sucks at tennis. |
| Andy: | Looking for a woman to share my life with. |
| Matt: | Your life? |
| Andy: | Some time? |
| Matt: | A night. |
| Andy: | No, that's not what I'm looking for. I told you I want more than that. |
| Matt: | Well, not me. A relationship is too much work. I think I'll just keep doing what I'm doing. Having lots of casual sex with women I barely know. |
| Andy: | When was the last time you had it? |
| Matt: | Bout' a year. |
| Andy: | Was it good? |
| Matt: | It was too good. |
| Andy: | Too good? How can it be too good? |
| Matt: | Well, it wasn't normal. I thought 'skills like this can only come from years of professional training'. It was very unsettling……I should call her. |
| Andy: | (He sings the first line of American Woman by The Guess Who.) 'American Woman', dada da da dee dee.' |
| Matt: | You know that's a very annoying habit you have there. |
| Andy: | What is? |
| Matt: | You sing the first line of a song and you da da dee the rest of it. |
| Andy: | Well, I only know the first line. |
| Matt: | It's American Woman! American woman, stay away from me. American Woman, mama let me be. |
| Andy: | Really? I never knew that. |
| Matt: | How can you not know that? It's a classic. |
| Andy: | Oh yeah, that's easy for you to say. You're a disc jockey. |
| Matt: | I'm not a disc jockey. I'm a broadcaster. |
| Andy: | What's the difference? |
| Matt: | A disc jockey just plays music. A broadcaster has a personality. He communicates ideas. |
| Andy: | Oh. (He sings.) 'American woman, stay away from me.' |
| Matt: | Have you got balls? |
| Andy: | (He sings the next line with more balls.) 'American woman, mama let me be.' |
| Matt: | No, tennis balls. Have you got tennis balls? |
| Andy: | Oh. No, I didn't bring any. |
| Matt: | Well, neither did I. |
| Andy: | So, what are we gonna do? |
| Matt: | Well, we'll have to go in and buy some, won't we? |
| Andy: | How much are they? |
| Matt: | They're five dol….my God. |
| Andy: | What? |
| Matt: | I just realized something. In all the years we've been playing tennis, you've never bought tennis balls. |
| Andy: | Well, you've always got some. |
| Matt: |
I can't believe this. You've never bought a can of tennis balls. |
| Andy: | So what? |
| Matt: | In six years of tennis, not one can of balls. That is unbelievable. |
| Andy: | All right, so I'll buy this one. |
| Matt: | No, no. No, a record like that should not be broken. It's like DiMaggio's hitting streak. It should go on forever. |
| Andy: | Matt, I'll buy the balls. |
| Matt: | No, I don't want you to. I want this record to stand. I want to be able to tell people that I play tennis with the cheapest son of a bitch who ever lived. |
| copyright 2005 Norm Foster |
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