"A real Christmas treat!"-- Cornwall Standard Freeholder

Garfield Andrews and Linda Goranson in the Upper Canada Playhouse production of Bob's Your Elf. 2008.

 

	In the following scene, The Thithelville Thespians are attempting a rehearsal of their Christmas production. They are being aided, unknowingly, by Bob, one of Santa's elves.
Gord:	So, to continue, the Spirit Of Christmas Past and Ebenezer Scrooge enter. Fiona, will you join me please?
Fiona:	Happily.
Gord:	Thank you.
	(Fiona and Gord move towards the cradle.)
	And we slowly, reverently, and ever so humbly approach the manger.
	(We hear a doorbell.)
Gord:	What was that?
Amber:	Sounded like a doorbell.
Fiona:	I'll get it. (Fiona goes to the painted door on the set and bangs into it.)
Gord:	No, Fiona. There's no one…Les? Les?!!
	(Les enters.)
Les:	Gord?
Gord:	Did I just hear a doorbell?
Les:	Yes, you did.
Gord:	And why was that?
Les:	Well, you're approaching the front door of their lean to and I thought it might be good to have the sound effect of a doorbell.
Gord:	Les, it's the year one! Doorbells are still a few years off yet.
Les:	Oh.
Gord:	Yes.
Les:	So should I probably cut the microwave oven then too, huh?
Gord:	Microwave oven?
Les:	To make popcorn for the wise men.
Gord:	Popcorn?
Les:	Well, they've come a long way. They're probably hungry.
Gord:	Cut it.
Les:	Cut it?
Gord:	Cut it.
Les:	Check. Cut the microwave, people!! (Les exits to the wings.)
Gord:	Alright then. So, we approach the manger, slowly, reverently, and humbly, and I begin. Spirit, what child is this?
Fiona:	Are you going to say it like that?
Gord:	I thought I might, yes.
Fiona:	Oh.
Gord:	Is there a problem?
Fiona:	Not at all.
Gord:	You're sure?
Fiona:	I shall trust your judgement.
Gord:	Thank you.
Fiona:	I'm sure it will play eventually.
Gord:	Thank you so much. And again. Spirit, what child is this?
Fiona:	(Looking at her script.) He is the King Of Kings, Mr. Scrounge.
Gord:	Scrooge.
Fiona:	What dear?
Gord:	It's not Mr. Scrounge. It's Mr. Scrooge.
Fiona:	(Looking at her script.) Oh, so it is. Sorry. Someone must have drooled on my script. That's happened a lot lately. Shall we try it again?
Gord:	No, let's just say a novena and move on. Here we go. And then Mary says…
Amber:	So, are you married, Bob?
Gord:	(Looks at his script.) What? Are you married Bob? Where's that?
Amber:	No, I was just asking Bob if he was married.
Gord:	Amber, we're rehearsing, my darling.
Amber:	Oh. I thought you and Fiona were still discussing.
Gord:	No, we're done.
Amber:	Oh.
Gord:	All squared away.
Amber:	Sorry.
Gord:	Not a problem.
Bob:	No, I'm not married.
Amber:	Oh? How interesting. I'm not married either. Haven't found the right fella yet. I think they're frightened off because I'm a woman in a position of power.
Bob:	You're a librarian.
Amber:	Yes.
Bob:	With no library.
Amber:	Well, that's just temporary. All I need is a building. And a few thousand books. And some index cards.
Gord:	Sweet Mother of God.
Amber:	Yes?
Gord:	I…Could we have your line please?
Amber:	Oh. Right. Sorry. He is Jesus.
Gord:	Flawless as usual, Amber.
Fiona:	Well, that's not fair.
Gord:	What's not fair?
Fiona:	She's memorized her lines.
Gord:	No, Fiona, she's memorized one line. Three words.
Fiona:	Teacher's pet.